I have to say using an alias, is fun to do only if you have a catchy fun name to use as your alias. Who really wants to go with John Smith? John Doe? Really? Lino Lay-um was the alias I like to use. Because everyone needs to have an alias or two for your dance partner. When you dancing on the gray side of the law. Lino Lay-um was the natural alias to pick for me. It was the way my mom said ( linoleum ). Besides it sounds like someones name. So what the heck, from the fist time I heard my mom say it, my alias was born.
I’m not promoting a life of crime. But a life of using alias at times is necessary. Everyone does it. Nick names are a kind of alias aren’t they? Criminals use aliases at times, to go under cover. Like a security blanket I suppose. A way of hiding yet not so hidden. But people who have never seen you, or heard of you before. It is just a perfect way to hide true identity’s… or is it? The do’s and don’ts were explained in one of my earlier posts ” Falseheimer’s. ” http://wp.me/p1MnB3-EW ( Some humor on false representations.)
My cousin and I were wandering through the grocery store one day. When we came across the bakery and their muffin tasters. An advertizing ploy, in getting you to buy muffins. Adequate say’s that you take one and taste it, and decide to buy or not to buy. For kids unattended, tasters are just like an invitation to abuse the privilege.
Truly! I personally didn’t wish to stuff that many muffin squares into my mouth. But just one square!? That also melted into some kind of goodness of muffin, on my tong, left a desire to have more, or at least a whole muffin as my taster. The bad influence of my cousin who challenged me to see just how many muffin squares I could put into my big mouth? Was too much to resist. For me it was game on!
No sooner than I stuffed about 10 to 15 of these sweet morsels into my mouth. We heard the unmistakable sound of the bakery clerk saying. ” Hay! Those are for tasting not to eat them all at once! Where is your mom’s?” It is bad enough I lost count of just how many muffins I stuffed into my mouth, but this outburst just about choked me to death. Then fear took over when I saw my cousin take off running with his hands full of muffins prices! Leaving me behind, with a mouth of over flowing goodness unable to follow his lead. Unable to breath, choking, and coughing, and trying to swallow all at the same time.
My first thought was Quick give the man an alias and be done with it. He will never know! The next thought was swallow man! Quicker, so you to can just run like hell after your cousin! With the feeling of the man grabbing me by the shirt collar, my next thought was… Too slow in coming to me under such stress. Now the mind was preoccupied with struggling to get free.
With the PA system bellowing out the extra loud sound of a voice saying. ” Will Ms. Lay-um, the mother of Lino Lay-um please come to the customer service desk and pick-up your son please.”
Talk about feeling about 1 inch tall. Of course my mom instantly knew who they were talking about, just as soon as she heard the name Lino Lay-um. Prehaps using that one, when she was the one who give me the idea wasn’t the best choice. But kids learn from experiences they have. As for me it was my first dance. I was awkwardly still stepping on my partners feet so to speak.
If you have at least two aliases then you can alternate between them when needed. This keeps things running smoothly. Like having the right dance steeps for the right dance. Who wants to be disco dancing when it is a ball room dance? Awkward!
With crumbs still on my face I was busted! So Busted! To say the least. But it was just a misunderstanding. There was no sign saying ” Only take one please.” Hay a kids reasoning is if you reach for a cookies and only get part of one. You grab another to make up the difference. I mean. They offered a cookie to you. But then you got just one half. Because you already touched it, you can’t put it back. Taking another cookie was the sort of thinking a kid would have felt, if they felt like they were just robbed of what was offered. It is only fair.
This was my excuse at least, along with my reasoning. Kids have this mistaken view of life that everything must be fair. But life isn’t always fair! So being older now I see the failed teachings of my youth, and have tried to avoid the fallacy this may bring, and act appropriately. adjusting for the truth of ” Life isn’t always fair.”
With bakery tasters, or candy bowls, or offerings of broken cookies. People with small hands have to at times take seconds and thirds to equalize the out comes of people with bigger hands. Just the differences between growing-up and being grown-up. Besides when you go to the all-you-can-eat restaurant. Kids eat for free! That’s because the establishment knows that kids only can eat a limited amount of food in comparison to their parents. Charging grown-ups a bit more for this, along with advertizing ” Kids eat for free!” Is just the way to fill the seats. Kids are quick to learn this, and understand it as, ” the great equalizer of life.” Seeing a candy bowl. First thoughts are, it is free! Parents will get the bill.
Lino Lay-um robs the bank.
Seeing the candy bowl in the bank week after week, filled with the best of suckers. Was just getting the best of me. Thoughts of getting some of those candy’s was on my mind as soon as I entered the bank parking lot. Call it a sweet-tooth, or the child like attitude within.
I would often ask if I could have one. But the look that was given by the tellers were just as good as saying ” Your old! Those are for kids.” But then they would always give in to the requests saying. “Just one!” Soon, it just became a game for me. Lets just say it is the kid in me, coming out to play.
Seeking more than one was the game. But this voice in my head was telling me things. Remembering mom telling me about those muffins you crammed into your mouth, as being just as good as stealing. Being in a bank, in front of the candy dish, contemplating in taking more than just one. Is this just a new way of bank robbery? It wasn’t money! So does the word robbery even fit? Were my thoughts of… should I? Could I?
Blame it on childish games we try to play when were adults, or the pulse rate climbing up a notch or two, just at the thought of it. Giving any adult stuck in a rut, a sence of living on the razors edge of an exciting life, with a renewed vigor towards life.
Sitting in our car, I told my wife this story. Introducing her to my alter ego ” Lino Lay-um. After all she married me for better or worse right? No secrets, makes for a good marriage. The mission was to score on more than one candy. By hook or crook or any means possible. In short we were going to rob this bank for all the candy we could carry out in a flash. The Boney and Clyde of candy!
My plan was to use my extra big hands, to use slight of hand and make off with the loot. My wife was going to use a different approach. She was going to demand one for her husband, as the excuse for getting more than just one.
With raised pulse rates, living on the edge, we entered the bank. Just as planed. We went through the motions. I for one had the back up plan. If I should get caught, I was going to be Lino Lay-um, 777. Sounds smooth like 007 James Bond. But who wants to be a copy cat. Besides things always happen in threes. With my lucky number of 7. Three times the number was better. Besides 777 sounds like a number of a gang in the area. If I was going to prison I was going to go as the top dog gangsta ” Lino Lay-um.” In hind sight, that may not be the best of names for prison. Sounds like a porno stairs name. Or so I was told. Not a good mix.
My wife went for the tellers at the front of the bank. I on the other hand went for the consumer no service desk. Not 20 feet from the door. I made my move knocking the candy over with nervous anticipation. But it worked out better that way. Picking up the candy, and placing some of it back into the dish. I apologised and turned and walked right out of the bank. My wife right behind me. Using my peripheral vision. I couldn’t see any one following us out of the bank. Silently I said. “We made it!”
In the car my wife said. “That was fun! Look I got 4 dum-dum suckers. But only asked if I could have one extra one for my husband. Score!” As she showed me the ill-gotten loot.
” I too! Got more than just one!” I said. Revealing the hand full I had stuffed into my pockets while picking up the rest of the ones I had spilled onto the floor. ” These are the best of candy suckers. And look I got one sucker of every flavor.” The heart was pumping hard, as I would have expected it too, if we had just robed the bank for real money, instead of just for candy. With sucker sticks hanging out of our mouths we made our get away.
“Honey! Honey!” My wife was shaken me awake.
” You can call me Lino Lay-um sweety-cakes. It is okay to.”
” Will you stop making that noise of sucking your thumb? It’s waking me up, and I can’t sleep!”
The next morning I had to tell her the story of how my alias came to be, ” Lino Lay-um “, along with my dreams of robbing the bank of their candy dish. But I never mentioned that my pulse does go up a few notches with the thought of it all. Every time we drive into the parking lot.
Have you used an alias before? If so what was your alias?
All the best.