Dear bill collectors.
It wasn’t my intentions, not to send in a timely fashion your payments this month. But the truth is the check isn’t in the mail. Losing my job, then my wife, kids, dog, and then my truck breaking down. Has left me a little cash strapped these days. Of course my one and only friend told me. ” That if you try to play your country music records backwards, this would alow all of my stuff to be returned in do time, in the order of losing them. “ Because this bad luck started with losing my pay check first of all. ( Well, really second but I will explain later.). My best guess is, that it will return to me last-of-all. Of course this is providing that playing my country records backwards works? I have faith, because when I play my Zeppelin records backwards. ” I hear that words also have two meanings! ” So then please have a little patience, as this could take some more time.
It wasn’t my intentions to take a few steps backwards, back down the stairway to heaven. But someone took the sign down that said. “ Slippery when wet! ” I didn’t expect getting pissed on, but here we are! No need to complain though. I’m still climbing higher and higher, after I take a financial breather. Governmental slogans of ” Hope and change. ” Gives me a positive out look, as well a renewed effort to keep-on trying. While I count out my last jar of loose change.
My ramblings may be some what annoying to you? But it is just an attempt at full disclosure. Nothing to hide here. I just wished your collections department would have been more interested in lessening to me though. Seem like they’re the only friends that call me up. But like some friends, they all ways want, or need something from me. This can get old! What happened to talking? Or just checking in and seeing how someone is doing? But what did I expect from someone half ways around the world. Their time is money as well. Just a lot less money, then their American counter parts. Yet! Would it have hurt, to hear some of my historical summary? After all my money has been? Your clams, of just being yours. Taking an interest to what is going on with your money, I mean mine money! Wouldn’t have hurt anyone! Have some interest at least, or act like it interests you please. Seem like that last one is always left out on the collections 101 for foreign exchange students classes you surely do give to your collections department. May want to up date that one!
I may on the other hand, take some of my free government hand outs that I’m receiving these days. To run! Not walk! To the store, getting some color ink for the laser printer. Running should show you all, that I’m serious about getting you, your money as soon as I can. I’m not trying to take the easy way out! But working hard! Nor, do I run just for anyone, and their requests that they are make of me. It is a privilege reserved just for you!
The way I see it. If the government can just print more money. More then we have, or can possibly collect in taxes! Then why not little old me? The money may be funny money? But then look at the value of the American dollar lately! I have been told, ” the market is never wrong. ” So look at how the market values the buck of late, or at least how other country’s view the value of it.
If you-all can find some compaction for my position in life at this time. Please could you also forgive the late charges on my accounts? I’m sure you have gotten more in raising my interest rates to something more in line with a loan shark’s rates. So I have paid my share of your exorbitant profits, that I’m sure also have been reported to the government, and the stock market quarterly reports. So your stock price will stay high, so your bonuses will still be paid to you on time. At least you could do is call me, from time to time, giving thank for that.
Please, can you help people out like myself, and the environment, with cutting down on sending threatening letters to me. Threatening letters don’t work. Didn’t your mothers say to you. ” You can catch more fly’s with sugar, then with vinegar? ” I have gotten the message, I’m putting you on the top of the list. This letter in e-mail from, should demonstrate these concerns I have, and I’m commitment to solving them along with your help. I also have one small request. Could we all save some trees by cutting down on these kinds of letters please. Just think of all the trees, you and I will be credited with saving by doing this. Just a small request, but no less important. I may not be able to pay you in full right now. But I sure like to breathe fresh air, from the oxygen all those saved trees will produce. A kinder gentler world with less threats in it would be better than turning to drugs / alcohol. Don’t you think so?
If you have any openings for employment, I would like to offer my skills in helping you all out, doing the job of collecting your moneys for you. I truly understand the issues of the day, and do believe, I can collect from others, that also owe you with some compassion. This would also speed up the repayments of my bills to you. Truly a win, win for the both of us!
Because I have just received the notice of power cut-off to my house. This will put more pressure on my endeavors of getting my stuff back as soon as possible. The record-player runs off the power as I’m sure you know? If you feel it in your heart to give me a job, I would hope it will not upset the order of returning my things to me?
This wouldn’t have been a problem if president Obama wouldn’t have wasted all that money on green energy. Solindra went out of business before completing my solar power panels for my house. That’s right they took my money just before I lost my job. So yes that will come back to me right after I get my old job back. After all it should in theory come back in the order of loosing them as I have pointed out earlier. The state wind power plants stopped working. Do to the facts of their too expensive to run, and the hydro power is being sold to other states for higher profits. Leaving coal power plants to produced the power for the rest of us who need it in this state. But then I haven’t been able to pay, and the government doesn’t like the contamination from coal, so that will soon close too. Leaving us all in the dark.
Soon I will have to start burning all of my furnishings in the house. At least the stuff that my ex left me with. No big deal! Just some bad memories. Burning things just for heat isn’t so bad. Cooking, and BBQ’ing the stray cat, or dog over an open flame of fire is kind of like camping. Besides I hear the president said it was delicious, so I thought of giving it a try. Saving some more moneys, for not having to go to the store for food. Giving more income to send to you. When I run out of the wood furnishings to burn, I will start following the government inspired actions. Of what to do in an emergency. Burn through your money! With all of the steady payments from the government I figure I will be able to keep up with buying ink, for the printing of money. Keeping pace with the governments printings of money. Some bills like yours will then also be again paid for on a regularly bases.
Since the government is the new economy’s inspirations. We all should follow their lead, shouldn’t we? How about raising my credit limits so I can pay some of my smaller bills with the new credits limit you would be providing. Because You have my plan of get out of this mess, and the fact is, it is much clearer then the governments plan. You should then recognize I’m good for it! People really do not like anything, or anyone to get bailed-out. But a credit limit, doesn’t really need to be limiting. ( Please reference the governments outlook on this issues. ) It really is truth, instead of a bunch of BS! Raising my limits will just help someone else out of this mess. Because I would just spend it I’m sure. Think of the limitless possibility’s, by raising my credit limits. Which in turn will provide income to someone else to pay your bills with.
Any who! I hope you now have the fool-proof plan of fools? providing me with that huge credit limit increase. All so that money can once again flow freely. Who knows! If I pay my power bills first, or my green energy orders do get delivered soon? I will be able to live on in to my future receiving your friendly E-mails, requesting my payments, using tree saving earth friendly power. Paying your bills are of the most importance to me. Besides paying my power bills and playing my country music backwards. Filling my heart with renewed hope and change of my future returning to the past. The way things were before. A little dryer. A few runs higher on the stairway to heaven. Will be a brighter future indeed for every one.
Sincerely tequila tears!
Ps. If you out there are trying the backward music thing along with me, and if I ate your dog? Well He will never come back to you! Sorry! Just thought you should know. I hope that it will never come to that though. Keep the faith, and playing those records backwards. It is the new going forwards! So it seems.
All the best!
Piss. OOps. Just what is plural for “PS”? This post is not an indorsement, for counterfeiting money. It was just an attempt at humor. Print at your own risk! Thanks.